


the typical museum heist

by orphan_account



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Gentle kind of Makeouts, Perc'ahlia Vacation, They're stealing a document to find an artifact it's all good, i'm just gonna call it national treasure au, i'm... not sure what kind of au to call this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7774894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're not <i>stealing</i>; they're looking for documents to give them clues to an artifact that they can potentially profit off of.  Y'know, run of the mill treasure hunting stuff.<br/><br/>(or; vex and percy attempt to steal something the smithsonian--they're planning to return it, really, they just need it to find something cool. and, as expected, it doesn't go 100% to plan.<br/>but hey, vex is nothing if not good at coming up with stuff on the fly. maybe.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the typical museum heist

**Author's Note:**

> hello! here’s my fic for the perc’ahlia vacation swap! the prompt i chose (i don't know if they have a ao3) was ‘in a broom closet in the smithsonian’ and i do have to apologize, because a good part of the story doesn’t take place in the closet. but i do promise that the broom closet plays a big part. ;^)
> 
> i also apologize because this is a ridiculous treasure hunter/national treasure where they steal ~documents with clues~ au. the technology and all that is probably unrealistic. it’s all incredibly unrealistic. i don’t specify much and most of it is just an excuse to get vex and percy in a closet. but i do love this idea and i may continue with it... if people like it. please let me know if you want me to continue! or if you have critiques! i'm a little worried i didn't write their characters right. 
> 
> also, [ this is cross posted on tumblr!](http://8bitcandy.tumblr.com/post/148968499951/hello-heres-my-fic-for-the-percahlia-vacation)
> 
> hope you enjoy!

“Now everyone—don’t forget the codenames I chose for you all,”

“You pick the _worst_ codenames,” Vex mutters. “You just wanted us to call you Burt Reynolds.”

“I sure did, Elf One,” he replies, and she can _hear_ his smile. Vex has to fight the urge to deck Scanlan the next time she sees him.

“I am just stating,  _for the record_ , that I think this is a bad idea. Like, for several reasons,” Keyleth’s voice crackles over the earpiece. Percy sighs.

“We’ve gone over this before, Minxie--stealing isn’t bad if it’s for a good reason. Besides, we’re going to give it back.”

“Stealing is one thing, but... stealing from a  _museum_ feels like a different kind of bad. Like, a real low.”

“No, it’s just fucking cheesy,” Vax grumbles. “It feels like we’re in a bad heist movie, where Vex is going to slip past lasers everywhere and steal the Declaration of Independence.”

“ _Excuse you,_ ” Scanlan pipes up again. “ _National Treasure_ is a goddamn national treasure.”

“And, it didn’t have lasers,” Grog adds. “Though it _would_ be cool if it had lasers.”

“That might be true, Strongjaw. But, besides, we’re not cool enough to get to steal the Declaration of Independence--these are some dumb documents in a dumb museum. We’re a low budget  _National Treasure._ ” Scanlan sighs. “We’ll get there eventually.”

“I think the Smithsonian is really cool,” Keyleth says, quietly, but then speaks up, “and it’s a shame we have to steal from it.”

“Oh my _god,_ ” Vex groans, quietly. “Guys, you’re getting off track. Yes, the Smithsonian is great, yes, we’re a shitty _National Treasure_ , and brother, please—chill out.”

“I will not chill out, dear sister. I don’t like this idea either. Remind me, if you would, _why_ am I not with you? How in the world does _he_ get to go in and I don’t?”

“Ouch,” Percy says sarcastically. He’s right next to Vex, fiddling around with some piece of technology she could never hope to understand. “I’m hurt, Elf Two. I really am.”

“Well, that doesn’t explain anything to me—you’re the hacker, the maker of gadgets, not the break in guy. You shouldn’t need to be inside to, y’know, _hack._ ”

“Normally, I wouldn’t. But, the museum’s got the newest security on these documents—I need to be inside, near the documents in order to deactivate it. This is a two man job, and we all agreed it was going to be Elf One and I—yourself included, if I may add.”

“Okay, fine, _whatever_.” Vax huffs. “I just… you guys know the plan, yes?”

“Yes, brother. We get close, Emo Boy—“

“Still don’t understand why _I_ am Emo Boy—“

“—It’s incredibly fitting, that’s why. Anyways, Emo activates his techno thing, we steal the documents, and when we do, we’ve got five minutes but then the guards will _know_ , so we’ve got to get the fuck out of here, and then we’ll get into the car. You guys ready?”

“Ready as we’ll ever be,” Scanlan says. “Beautiful Goddess, you’re ready to drive whenever?”

“Nickname aside, I am ready to floor it when necessary,” Pike finally speaks up.

“Ah, wonderful,” Scanlan sighs, dreamily. “I wish I was right next to you, Goddess.”

“Nope,” Grog barks. “I get to sit next to her.”

“Strongjaw _is_ more suited for this, Reynolds.”

“Ah, I know, but I miss your beautiful face.”

Vex ignores their conversation. “Minxie, Elf Two, are you guys ready?”

“Yep!” Keyleth says.

“ _Yes_ ,” Vax says, a little more nervous than usual. And, well, Vex doesn’t blame him.

It’s not that Vax doesn’t _like_ Percy. It’s that—Vax isn’t with her on this mission. They’re almost always on missions together. And stealing from the Smithsonian is… kind of a big deal.

Granted, it’s for a good reason: they’re _treasure hunting_. And treasure hunting means looking for clues hidden in documents that are in really big museums. It means using those clues to find really cool artifacts that no one has ever _seen_. It means potentially making a lot of _money_ from those really cool artifacts.

Oh, right. They’re also going to give the documents _back_ , after they’ve uncovered the really cool treasure and get their money. Don’t forget that part. They’ve done this a million times… and yet, it feels like the biggest hunt they’ve attempted.

That’s probably because most other attempts don’t have them stealing from a place as big as the _Smithsonian_.

“Hey,” Percy whispers, but it still startles her. “Are you ready?”

“Oh, right,” Vex replies, faintly. “I’m ready. Elf Two, you’ve got the layout—where do we go?”

“Uh, alright, you go to the left first. And don’t forget to look all security guard like.”

Vex and Percy look at each other. The two have security guard outfits on; it can’t be too hard to mimic them, right? Just walk with purpose, or something. Look like you’re ready to beat up burglars at any moment. Vex can do this, and Percy can do this too; this isn’t his first time actually in the fray, in the thick of things.

_But it is the first time it’s just her and him,_ she realizes. And, as they’re walking silently - the only sound being Vax’s voice, telling them where to go – she thinks about that fact. While Percy has done this before, he’s usually behind the scenes, looking at the layout, disabling any and all security that Vex and Vax run into. When they’re _not_ stealing anything – they don’t even steal all that much, really, she _swears_ \- and just making an attempt to _find_ the artifacts, searching in caves and stuff, Percy’s right next to her. And it’s not always to search for things with her: he’s right next to her, talking about _anything_. Meaningless conversations, plans, possible clues, riddles, even just joking around with him.

And it’s… it’s nice. It’s nice. But this feels different—this feels like a _team_. This is also nice. Teams are incredibly hard to find for Vex; she and Vax are a team, Vox Machina is a… team, and maybe this can be a team, too? It’s nice. It’s really nice.

(There’s also a feeling of a different kind of _team_ , one that differs from friends and siblings and workmates and such that creeps up in her mind. And, well, she isn’t going to _deny_ it; Vex knows what she wants. Percy is an attractive man. Denial is silly. But it’s not the most important thing right now. She’ll deal with it when the time is right.)

Vex pushes herself out of these thoughts when they arrive. Her eyes scan over the exhibit until she spots the case containing the documents. She looks towards Percy, pointing over to the case.

“Video feeds are now on loop,” Keyleth tells them. “You’re good to go.”

“Alright, you go do your… thing,” (something to do with ‘deactivating motion sensors’ and ‘bypassing the electronic security devices’ and, well, other jargon she doesn’t understand) “and I’ll keep watch. Alright?”

“Alright,” Percy replies, completely calm. Vex tries to be calm, and she _is_ calm, really, but—

“…Are you okay?” he asks, eyes furrowing. “I mean, nothing bad will happen, you know… Are you worried?”

“I know the mission will go wonderfully—it always _does_.” That’s true, she knows it, that’s completely true. “It’s just… we’ve never been a _team_ before, just you and I, y’know?”

“Uh, I think I know. It’s usually you and your brother, yeah? And you’ve been doing it with him for ages.”

“Exactly. But I do have faith in you, darling. I hope you know.”

“Thank you,” he gives a lopsided grin, just before he walks over to the case where the documents are.

Vex takes a moment to look him over, look at what he’s doing – he’s taking out his security deactivating thing (there’s a technical term, but really, who cares) and is pressing buttons. Her gaze lingers for just a second, but then she turns to keep watch, to make sure there’s no one there.

Eventually, she hears a click and, out of the corner of her eye, she sees Percy take out the documents. Gingerly, he places them in his jacket and shuts the case close.

“Alright, we’ve got about ten minutes. That should give us enough time to get out.”

Right after Percy says that, the alarms go off.

Immediately, Vax is shouting into Vex’s ear. “ _WHAT DID YOU DO?!_ ”

“Quiet!” Percy goddamn _yelps_ , trying to show calm but clearly startled. “I, I, I don’t know.”

“Your gadget thing must’ve not been good enough!”

“The technology is so new! I thought I counteracted everything—“

“Whatever, guys, shut _up!_ ” Vex snaps. “We have to _go!_ ”

Vex grabs Percy’s hand and _runs_. She runs and runs and runs, and he is dragged along, but he’s not slowing her down too much. Vax has calmed down a little, but he is speaking a little too quick for comfort – he’s telling them which way to go, what corridors to avoid, all that stuff, but Keyleth has to take over because he’s going _too fast_.

(And it makes sense he’s nervous, because he’s not with Vex, but, still. It’s not the end of the world, bro. Vex can handle this.

And it looks like she’s going to have to handle this, because they’re not even on the floor with the entrance and she knows someone’s going to catch them.)

“Someone’s approaching soon,” Keyleth says. “You guys have to _go._ ”

“We’ve got to hide,” Vex says. “They’re going to catch us otherwise.”

“Okay, well, where can we hide?”

Vex looks around wildly, and she doesn’t find anything good – except for a broom closet.

“We have to go in the broom closet.”

“You are _not_ doing that, sister,” Vax says. “That is a _terrible_ idea, we won’t be able to see you on the security cameras, you need to _run—_ “

Without listening to Vax, Vex pulls Percy into the closet and snaps it shut. She releases her iron grip on Percy and takes a deep breath. Percy slowly removes his hand, almost staring at it in wonder while he’s breathing.

“Okay, Minxie, let us know whenever the coast is clear,” Percy says.

“Um, you’ve got a guard running down the corridor. He looks like he saw something—he might’ve seen you guys run into the closet.”

“Shit!” Vex groans. “Alright, okay, we’ve got this—“

“—Do we?—“

“—Shut _up_ , Emo Boy—okay, I… I need a moment, shit.”

She doesn’t really have a moment, or a plan, but her brain is compensating, going lightning speed—and, suddenly, she, she, she has a plan. A dumb one, but it’s all she has.

“Okay, um, darling,” she says, a little nervous, because he could very well be opposed. “I have an _idea_.”

“An idea,” he repeats, not quite believing her.

“Y-Yes. I don’t know if it’s a _good_ idea, but it’s all we’ve got. It also requires me to, ah, make out with you.”

“ _What?!_ ” Percy’s voice cracks, and it would be _adorable_ in any other circumstance. It’s kind of adorable right now, even, but there are more important things right now.

“It’s a distraction. I’ve got nothing else. Please, we’ll get caught, maybe—“

“I, well, _uh—_ “

“Guard’s almost near the door now. He might open it, guys, watch out,” Keyleth’s voice pops up; she hasn’t heard _any_ of this plan, and can’t see any of it, either.

“Okay, fine. I… I trust your judgment,” Percy mumbles. He’s fiercely blushing, but he nods to himself in conviction. “Do your plan.”

Immediately, Vex unzips his jacket – just a little, _she’s not going overboard, really_ – unbuttons two buttons on his shirt. When she hears the footsteps right by the door, she practically lunges for Percy—and tries to be gentle.

They topple into the closet, still propped up but not really standing. They have to look intense, but not actually be intense. Vex is as chaste as one can get, just kind of smushing her face against his. He’s, at first, not doing anything, but once he gets a read on everything, he tangles his hand up in her hair. It’s all so gentle, Vex kind of has to laugh.

(But it’s nice. It’s rare for Vex to be gentle with someone, or for someone to be gentle with _her._ It’s an act and it’s a distraction, she knows, but it’s so _nice_. It’s just gentle and nice. That’s all.)

The door swings open, and Vex can feel the light from the security guard.

“ _What?_ ” She growls, separating herself from Percy. She’s not turning around, sort of hiding herself and him from the guard.

“U-uh,” The guard stammers. “Y-You guys…”

“ _What do you want?_ ” She thinks she’s coming off as intimidating, but also a _little_ embarrassed. Just a little. Vex’s hair is disheveled and Percy has his shirt almost open—Scanlan would die laughing at this.

“Were… w-were you guys supposed to keep watch?” The guard asks.

“Yes, but nothing ever _happens_ in this goddamn museum. Who would want to break in?”

“ _Well_ , someone just broke in.” The security guard seems to have finally recovered a little; now he sounds angry. “Stole some documents _because_ there wasn’t anyone on watch. Good going, guys.”

“Well, _fuck_ me for wanting to have some _privacy_ with my boyfriend.” Vex feels Percy tense up a little, but says nothing.

“I—okay, shit, we have no time for this. If we don’t find the burglar, boss’ll be _pissed_ at us. As far as we know, no one’s left the building. You guys better find them.”

“Okay, _well_ , can you give us a minute to, ah, _fix_ up?”

“U-um, right.” (and the guard has lost composure again.) “I’ll… get going, but you guys really need to find those documents, or else you’ll be fired.” The guard starts to leave, but then pauses. “Are employees allowed to have relationships here?”

“Just fucking _go!_ ”

“P-please don’t give me attitude,” he squeaks out, but he does shut the door. Vex finally stands up, smoothing her hair out. Percy’s sort of knocked into a broom, dazed, staring out at absolutely nothing while he buttons his shirt.

“I… _well_ ,” is all he can say.

“The guy left!” Keyleth pops up in the earpiece. “Are you guys okay? I don’t know what you did, but he left!”

“We are… just peachy,” Percy mutters, dreamlike.

“Okay, well, he’s out of the corridor, so now’s your chance to _run_. There are stairs just a little ways away, and they lead straight outside. You guys need to go!”

“We will.” Vex looks at Percy. “Everything okay? Good to go?”

“I guess?”

“Good enough for me. Let’s _go!_ ”

Thankfully, they make it to the car with Scanlan and Grog unharmed. Percy still looks kind of dazed throughout the whole thing, but that’s okay. Vex is a little dazed on the inside, but she’s handling it just fine.

(It’s kind of hilarious—if there’s anything she knows about Percy, she knows he can hide his emotions well. For this to have truly thrown him off—well, she feels a little _pride_ at that.)

Once the two hop in the car, Pike does _not_ floor it, because that’s suspicious, and fortunately, no one seems to have followed them. She drives off, away from the Smithsonian, and there’s a tense moment before everyone relaxes.

“Did you get away?” Vax’s voice pops up. He still sounds nervous.

“Yes, brother,” Vex replies. “We’ll catch up with you soon, okay?”

He sighs. “Yes. We’ll meet up with you guys.” And the earpiece goes silent.

After a beat, Pike cheers.

“ _We did it, guys!_ ”

Grog whoops, pumping his fist in the air, and Vex gives a cheer as well.

“Yeah! We’re closer to getting a _ton of cash_!” She says.

“Ah, we still have to figure out the secrets on the documents,” Percy interrupts their fun. “And, you know, track down the artifacts.”

“Oh Percy, darling, just let us be happy with this, won’t you? We nearly got _caught!_ ” Vex lightly punches his arm, and he… he _blushes_ , _wow_.

“Yes, I remember,” Percy manages to regain his composure and even smirk a little.

“Yeah, you guys nearly got caught. That sounds like it was really scary,” Pike says. “Did everything work out?”

“Oh, yeah, it did,” Vex responds. “The guy might’ve seen our face, sort of, but I doubt it was a clear look.”

“What’d you do?”

They both freeze—shit, right, they were going to have to _explain_ this, dear lord, if Scanlan finds out he’ll die laughing—

“Acted like security guards. Tricked the guy. We were quite convincing, I must say,” Percy manages to say.

“Oh, that’s good! That was really close… Grog was worried _sick_.”

“I was _not_ ,” Grog says, petulantly, and Vex knows he must’ve been worried.

“It’s okay, big guy, we’re all good here,” she assures, and she can see Grog smile a little.

“To… to be honest, actually, it was a little fun,” Percy says, almost to himself. Vex’s gaze snaps to him in almost shock, to find that he’s looking right back at her. “I mean, dangerous and all, but… I don’t know, it was… fun. That must be weird, Vex, but I hope it’s alright that I’m saying that.”

He looks at her, as if she has to understand the subtext of what he’s saying; she does understand it perfectly.

And… he’s right. It was incredibly fun. And nice—no, more than that. It was _great_.

Maybe she’ll finally get to deal with her… _thing_ , going on with him.

“Yeah, it was really fun. I think we make a great team, Percy.”

“Do we?”

“We do.” Vex smiles at him, and she can see his grin grow a little wider, too.

She mouths, “ _We can talk about… that later, yeah?”_

He nods. “ _Yeah, later._ ”

“What’re you guys talkin’ about?” Grog turns his head around to face them. “Thought I heard something.”

“You heard nothing, Grog,” Vex says, maybe a _little_ too quickly. But, goddammit, she’s a little nervous. A _happy_ nervous. “C’mon, we need to meet up with the others and decode these damn documents.”

“We’ll be there shortly, I promise!” Pike calls out.

Grog narrows his eyes at Vex, but he says nothing. He huffs a little, and then turns back around, his eyes on the road.

And, out of the corner of Vex’s eye, she can see Percy’s still smiling. He’s kind of, sort of, _glowing_ with hope.

How wonderful. She’s smiling, too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is the longest fic i've ever actually completed. it's great. it's wonderful. it's 90% dialogue. if you want, keep an eye out for me--i'm currently working on multiple things and i want to write more percahlia/stuff in general for critical role. again, if you want me to continue this weird au, lemme know!! thank you <3


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